hiding irises

2008-03-13T23:26:00.002-04:00

so its been a while... but after a hiatus consisting of lots of traveling, getting sick, and more traveling, i am back in action.
last week i went down to florida to see my parents. their house is so great. the area is still in development, but they are building like crazy, so hopefully there will be more fun stuff to do soon. but their house is beautiful, and so relaxing. i went swimming and running and exercised every day i was down there. i didn't get much time to lay in the sun, it was pretty cloudy most of the time, but it was still a fun trip. i should have stayed longer, in retrospect. but next year, i will have graduated, and i can go down for a few weeks or more and lay at the pool and the beach for a while. ahhhh, permanent vacation.

i've also gotten nowhere with my life plan. i've concluded that i really don't want to continue working at the bench doing research. after yet another construct that turns out to have a mutation that i need to remake, i have lost all patience and motivation. i just want to get the hell out and into a real job. what that will be, i have no idea. if anyone has suggestions, i'm wide open! bring it on, cause right now crashing on my parents' couch sounds fabulous.

2008-02-17T15:45:00.003-05:00

last night was amy and al's graduation party! i had a blast, and was channeling my inner hippie and refused to get all fancily dressed up. so i wore a hat, long sleeve t, and sneakers. i was so comfy, and plan on keeping up the trend of flat for as long as possible. or at least until i forget how painful heels can be.

and here is a funny story about amy: months ago, we were out dancing, and we were all pretty inebriated. amy was off the charts though. so i was dancing with a new boy for one song, and amy leans over (never having met him before) and says "this is my friend holli!"

"thanks, amy." dancing continues.

maybe 20 minutes later, i sidle up to the bar, and the same boy happens to be next to me. amy leans over again, to the same boy she doesn't know, and says "you should date my friend holli, she's really good in bed!"

"thanks amy."

i always tease her about it, and she is mortified, but wait, it gets better! last night, she was talkign to a guy (not her boyfriend) and i walk over because he was super cute and i assume amy will be my wingman. and oh what a wingman, i should have learned. there's really only one way to introduce somebody worse than saying she's really good in bed.

again, drunk off her ass, she sees me and says, "this is holli! she's single, and really-"

at this point i give her a LOOK, fearing a repeat of last time. she pauses and continues,

"she's NOT really good in bed!"

"thanks amy."

2008-02-14T00:42:00.003-05:00

i just got back from the conference on cell death in breckenridge, and it was great. my work went over really well, and i even got some job offers, though i think i can probably get something better. we will see though. right now my boss and i are writing my paper, and we are trying to send it out on friday. next week i'll start looking at possible post docs i think.

but aside from science, i got to do lots of fun things too, like snowshoeing and dog sledding! the dogs were so unbelievably cute, and it was lots of fun. i actually got to drive the sled, it was great!

i met some great people too. one of the things i love about being in science is that you get to meet so many people from all over the world. i was hanging out with a girl from belgium and a girl from spain, and met a cute boy from germany, whom i had fun flirting with. unfortunately, i only hung out with him the last night and didn't make any moves on him, and i suspect he was a little shy, so nothing happened between us. but, i think i may have a pen pal at least. a sexy german pen pal. rrawr.

2008-01-31T00:56:00.000-05:00

so i watched the scientology tom cruise recruitment video. and it really seems like a cult to me. not the cult in which everyone kills themselves, but at least according to the traditional meaning of the word, a group of people following the same set of beliefs (that tend to be alternative to the norm, according to some definitions). from the video, i'm sure scientology has helped tom cruise, a lot. perhaps it has enabled him and many others to lead better lives. it seems that scientology is a way to better your surroundings, and take charge in your life to change things for the better. and feel like a rock star/marine while doing it. at least, that's what i gleaned from it.

however, if scientology were the answer to the world's problems, why the hell is it so secretive? if you found the "true path" to enlightenment, god, happiness, truth, whatever, wouldn't you want to tell it to the whole world? graffiti on subway walls, fliers on cars, that annoying guy with the megaphone who preaches on the corner? i suppose scientology banks (literally) on the feeling of joining the chosen elite, a secret club only you are allowed into. but seriously, have they not matured past 8 years old? only those who know the secret handshake are allowed into the treehouse? and by the way, the secret handshake costs you at least $15000. we'll let you stand under the tree for a while for less, but only after you've shelled out the cash will we let you up. if money wasn't so important to them, i might be a little more sympathetic. but i don't understand how they can justify equating spiritual enlightenment with money! i would love to see tom cruise answer questions about that! or better yet, i would like to see a scientology outreach program to the poor and underprivledged who haven't got their lives together. they would probably benefit most from the ideas about evaluating the negative influences in your life. but i guess then the treehouse wouldn't be nearly as cool and exclusive. scientology truly is a religion(?) that reflects the times, when capitalism rules the world. now even enlightenment can be bought for the right price.

and if any scientologist wants to harass me for criticizing his or her beliefs, i kindly request that you address my concerns before tapping my phone.

and another afterthought. as a scientist, i'm offended by the similarity of the term "scientist" to "scientologist". only "olog" separates me from crazy. i'd prefer them to refer to themselves as scientologicians, more similar to the scientician, who according to the urban dictionary and the simpsons is "an authoritative individual of questionable medical, scientific and/or scholastic merit".

2008-01-28T16:35:00.001-05:00

i really wish i had more interesting things to blog about than work. but i don't. because work has consumed my entire life. ick.
a paper came out very close to what i am working on, so close that my stuff isn't really as interesting anymore. blech. so much for positive thinking. and i am no closer to publishing than i was a month ago, though we have set an arbitrary dealine of two weeks at which time we will send out whatever we have. and screw it if we don't have new things. at this point i do not care where it gets published, i jsut want to not have to deal with it again. at least until i start writing my thesis.
i am also planning my trip to colorado! i go in 11 days, my first conference! so i am trying to figure out what other fun activities i can do while everyone else goes skiing (because i don't ski, how convenient) i am thinking time at the spa will be fabulous. maybe horseback riding if it isn't too expensive. or dogsledding. or snowmobiling. fun fun.

oh, i have boy updates. nothing exciting. but i went out with this guy, and he just isn't for me. too.... just not for me. but he doesn't take a hint, and he jsut keeps texting and calling and texting me! its like he doesn't know proper dating etiquette (part of the reason he is not for me). i am tired of dating these young boys who don't know how to treat a girl. i need a man damnit. where have all the real men gone?

2008-01-17T16:46:00.000-05:00

i am so happy to read about everyone else graduating, finishing up school, moving on with their lives.... i unfortunately AM STILL STUCK HERE. bah. i have seen people struggling to get into school, struggling to get jobs, and are now on the cusp of venturing into the real world. and its snowy and rainy and cold out, which makes me wish even more that i was in california, right now.

but i try not to think about it that much. just get from one day to the next, doing my work, and trying not to let things get to me too bad. but i go through phases, mostly influenced by whether my science is actually working or not. but at least now i have a really great rotation student to help, and my fabulous undergrad is coming back this semester too, so i'm hoping to be more productive than ever. feel the excitement people. woo, hoo.

also, i finally highlighted my hair again! the blond is coming back. i was convinced by allie and jessie, who both thought that blond hair = male attention. and within only 10 hours of blondifying my hair, i met a guy. i don't think it will be anything serious, but at least he iscute and someone to talk to. even if he seems a little young for me, and is a staunch liberal and super into politics. i've talked about more politics with this kid than i have in the past year, and i don't even like talking about politics that much. and he wants me to watch this movie with him about racial issues on monday, to honor mlk jr, as he put it. i would rather watch the star trek movie marathon on spike. somehow, i don't think that is a good sign.

2008-01-14T17:34:00.000-05:00

quite possibly the funniest thing ever

sara, this one's for you

2008-01-04T15:34:00.000-05:00

i've been reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, by Michael Pollan, and aside from a few wordy and history-laden passages, i find it fabulous. i'm a little more than halfway through, and already if i could only eat pastured (grass-fed) meat and dairy, i would. as with many whole-foods shoppers, i didn't realize how non-whole whole foods actually is. (ie. open range chicken means chickens that are reared to not want to go outside finally having access to a tiny lawn they never venture to.)

i long to live on a true sustainable farm, reveling in the balance of nature. having the fruits and vegetables grown without chemicals, the animals content and happy, actually eating food that doesn't make them ill. at least until i read the section about getting up at 5am every morning to move the chickens. thanks, but no. not a farmers life for me. yet, the health benefits coincide completely with my personal vision of a healthy diet. not veganism, vegetarianism, high fat, low fat, hi carb, no carb, meal replacement, nor appetite suppressant, but eating non-processed food, as close to the diet humans evolved eating. nature and ecology got more right than any person could ever hope to. just look at the margarine-butter debate that still rages.

and i am convinced that corn is the reason americans are fat. just try to cut corn out of your diet, for a month, no, a week, no a day! utterly impossible, unless you are eating lettuce. (this includes of course all the by products of corn that are put into everything, including animals not meant to eat it). not that corn is so terrible, but i really only want to eat it when its flattened into a chip dipped in salsa, or into a tortilla filled with cheese, or in its natural kernel state, on or off the cob - more specifically, when i know, and choose, to eat corn.

when i was in london, contrary to the stereotype of english food being bad, i had some fantastic meals. what i remember most were two meals, one at an english resturant, where i had the best typically english food. when done well, it is delicious. lamb shank that fell off the bone, it was so good. but the other was simple grilled chicken, at a french resturant. i wasn't expecting much, chicken is chicken. but this chicken WAS NOT chicken. in the words of julia child from "my life in france" (another fabulous book!) the chicken was so chickeny. i finally understood what she meant! i've heard over and over that the chicken we get today doesn't taste like the chicken from years ago- most likely because they are force fed a diet of the ever present corn that will fatten them up. and my english chicken was probably fantastic because it didn't come from a feed lot in kansas.

the treatment of animals is important, but that really isn't my foremost motivation, it's health. with the ever present obesity crisis, (that's start coincided with the invention of high-fructose corn syrup!) eating truly organic foods should be given more credence. not to mention the effects on the environment, also a strong personal motivator. aside from money (the agricultural industry not getting richer, and spending a bit more of my own on quality food), there really doesn't seem to be a downside. though i won't be out milking the cows anytime soon, i did come across this great website. if i can get my lazy butt to these farmer's markets, consider me a convert.

2007-12-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

lately i just haven't been in a bloggy mood. lab is not going that well, and i jsut don't want to dwell on it.... so i will completely ignore for the time being, except when i am forced to deal with it while physically at work. denial, my favorite way to cope.

allie was here this weekend, for my annual hanukkah party, and we had SO MUCH FUN. i think the highlight of the evening was the two of us beliting out total eclipse of the heart with complete disregard for the rest of the party attendees. so awesome. and i ended up with fuzzy handcuffs from the grab-bag (what my family calls a yankees swap). i of course bought them in the first place, but i REALLY wanted them.
and my apartment is so clean. we will see how long i can keep it this way. i give myself at least until new years. in 2008, all bets are off. and holy crap, 2008. it feels like it was just 2007. soon it will be 2010, and then 2015, and then we will be driving flying cars and riding hover boards and wearing automatic size adjusting coats, at least according to michael j fox.

i've also been really getting into the xmas spirit. in the past i've felt guilty about my indulgence, or i've been too busy, but this year i am a christmas fiend. or perhaps rather, a holiday season fiend. i decorated my apartment with hanukkah lights and bluw and silver garlands and tacky light up dreidels. it is fabulous. and i listen to christmas music all the time. and it makes me so happy! i don't even think about the religious part of it, just the festive spirit, when everyone is happy and with friends and family and listens to pretty music. *smile* and what does frosty the snow man or sleigh rides or dashing through the snow or chipmunks have to do with jesus anyways? enough that i don't feel bad about listening to it while eating peppermint bark from williams sonoma.

2007-11-28T16:47:00.001-05:00

just a typical day in lab....

2007-11-09T16:33:00.001-05:00

things are finally slowing down a little bit, not meaning that i've finished everything i need ot do, but not having to prepare for talks has really taken a weight off my back. but i'm tired of tlakign about work. i feel like i only have sciency things to talk about, all the time. most likely because i havne't had time for any other interests.

but, in one week i am goign to london! i'm getting so excited! and i'm going to see patrick stewart in macbeth, captain picard in macbeth! it will be amazing! (!!!)

i've also booked my trip to colorado for the conference i am attending. after all my travel funding, i have about $250-300 left over, so i'm going to try to swing that into attending another conference, though not in swanky breckenridge at a fancypants ski resort. (note to self, take ski lessons before february.) but i'm hoping ot go to san diego for the aacr annual meeting. its a huge meeting, and if i can find someone to share a room with i think i could swing it. gotta work on that...

i've also realized i have a crush on a boy in my program. i always thought he was attractive, but the last few times i've seen him my heart has done a little flip flop, totally out of the blue! this would be a happy development, having a crush is fun and gives me motivation to girlie-ify myself in the morning. however, i have determined the only reason i now have this heart racing response is that (1) he shows no romantic interest in me and (2) i've been warned off of him due to him hooking up with other girls in our program. uninterested with a sketchy reputation, sounds like just my type!

so, now aware of my past behaviors, and the necessity to NOT GET INVOLVED WITH MEN WHO TREAT ME BADLY, i am refusing to act flirtatious in any way. i will not throw myself at him, will not go out of my way to talk to him, and will not (after my previous discussions leading to the discovery of this not so great reputation) talk about my unrequited lust for this boy. though i have the sneakign suspicious that the more i deny it and the more i tell myself no, the more attractive i will find him.

what is it about the lure of the unattainable??? sometime, i'd like to want what i CAN have!

2007-11-04T19:04:00.001-05:00

wow there was a much bigger response to that post than i care to think about... i guess somethings are jsut a little too much, even for this supposedly uncensored window into me. perhaps some censoring is in order...

2007-11-03T13:44:00.001-04:00

thanks for the kind words ladies. that was a rough spot. i'm still down about it, but i realize there are other factors feeding into my body issues, more than seeing pictures of beautiful thin girls in the media, more than not having a boyfriend, and maybe too personal to elaborate in an open forum.

but don't worry, i'm not taking crazy diet pills that will mess up my heart. i just meant my pain meds for my back make me kind of nauseous, but not enough to completely prevent me from eating. i just can't overeat when i take them.

but thanks, its good to know you'll be there, even if i gain 100 pounds.

2007-10-24T01:08:00.000-04:00

i've been daydreaming about when grad school will be over. when i will be able to have leisure time. when i'll be able to have a real vacation. when i can fill my days and nights with other things, like traveling and visiting friends. when it doesn't matter what time i wake up, and i don't have to worry about deadlines.

deadlines. i wish i actually had deadlines. it would be nice for someone to say, this is what you need to do, have it done by x. instead, i have a perpetually growing list of things i need to accomplish that should all be done as quickly as possible. as in yesterday. and we don't know if it will work out, but you should still have it already finished. the last few weeks have been utterly stressful and manic. i have been working my ass off, and while things have yielded results, i am tired.

i love science, i really enjoy thinking about new things and teaching. but i am burnt out. i need a real break. not a few days, i need a few months to decompress. and not knowing when that will happen is weighing me down. i have a thesis committee meeting on thursday, when hopefully we will discuss a timeline for my graduation. but at this point it could be anywhere from may 2008 to may 2009 or later, and i am trying to not think too much about it being the latter. i feel ready to graduate soon, ready to take on a new project, ready to leave philadelphia and its sucky weather, ready to not be in school anymore. i only hope my committee feels the same.

2007-10-19T23:38:00.000-04:00

so much to discuss! the last week or so has been busy, as will the next two weeks. my ommittee meetign is thursday which will largely decide my fate in grad school. one more year, two more years? who knows? i also gave a talk, an di think it went over well, though i need to work on not speaking so quickly. i'm getting better, but i need more practice. time limits make me nervous. buti wil have another opportunity to speak in two weeks at the pharm student symposium. in more science news, i was also awarded a scholarship to go to this conference in colorado! they are giving me $1000 to spend on my lodging and registration, and plane fare. i feel like maybe i actually am a good scientist!

i haven't spoken to my sister in a while. i miss her. its cool that she is in london, but i am sad that i can't jsut call her up and say, jay-gemeister, what's up? but i will see her in a month, and it will be awesome. j- this means you ;)

also, tonight i approached a guy with no other line than "hi". it worked fabulously, and i got a number, even though he is only 23. i was aiming for the older men, but i always end up with the young ones. i don't knwo why this happens. but whatever, maybe i'll get a date out of it, and some fun. at this point, thats all i'm really looking for. i kind of like the freedom of looking for my next job anywhere i want. (that said, i'd still like to meet Him, but its ok if i don't quite yet.) so that's all for now folks ;)

2007-10-15T13:54:00.000-04:00

what a fantastic weekend! i had so much fun with the sharon kids, and dan and becca's wedding was fabulous. so beautiful. if i had only known my boss would be on vacation, i would have planned a longer trip! and i have only confirmed that i am a wedding crier, big time. load on the cheesiness, and i'll bring out the waterworks. many pictures were taken, though only one by me, so that is all i will post for now. but i want copies of all pictures! all of them! becca and allie, this means you!
and now i eagerly await the next big sharon reunion. which, now that i think about it, may in fact be our 10 year reunion? scary thought. unless anyone gets hitched that is...

2007-10-11T02:32:00.000-04:00

more funny stuff. this one made me laugh out loud.

from this great movie site, about the upcoming movie about ancient man fighting ancient animals, like sabertooth tigers and woolly mammoths:

" '10,000 BC' pits man against Snuffalufagus"

i wish i came up with that one myself. i'm still laughing.

2007-10-10T01:32:00.000-04:00

its official! i'm going to london! woohoo!
AND the jay-germeister got us tickets to see patrick stewart in macbeth. that's right, captain picard is doing some shakespeare, and we're gonna see it. sweet. best thanksgiving EVER.

2007-10-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

this is ridiculous. it was for charity man! i'm sure little kids were all excited to see the ANTIQUE planes puttering through the sky. planes made BEFORE there were required radios. and now those nice pilots are gonna be fined and interrogated by the secret service, because they wanted to fly their jalopy planes in an annual charity event. stupid president bush ruining a perfectly nice event.
cause you know that's how it's gonna happen, in a biplane. with propellers.

2007-10-08T00:56:00.000-04:00

do you ever get so engrossed in a movie, that when it was over, you feel like it actually happened? i remember the first time i felt that way, and it completely weirded me out. it was in ninth grade, after i had seen apollo 13 for the first time. i remember coming into school and feeling like everyone else should have been as affected by it, as if it had just happened the night before and we should be discussing it in class. totally weird man. i jsut finished watching the departed for the first time (i know, i'm a little behind in my movies - but stop reading now if you haven't seen it). and now that dramatic high still has a hold on me! i feel both afraid and tense, as if i was a witness to the events in that movie. and a little afraid someone is gonna whack me. i suppose in that sense, it was a good pick for the oscar. but, i can't say i really liked how it played out. no one won! even the good guys lost! and the only character who had little if any redeeming qualities walked away in the end. of course, there's the girl - but she's going to be an emotional wreck the rest of her life. i don't think i'd watch it again, what's the point? it's enough to convert me to a pessimistic existentialist.

2007-09-28T12:28:00.001-04:00

update on weekend planning craziness:
family stuff in jersey is cancelled, but i'm still going to ny, and now have so much leisure time and don't have to insanely organize my schedule. now i can just come and go whenever, and if i'm late, no one will care. ah freedom.... and now that i think about it, this will be the first time i go to ny without having to deal with coordinating transportation with my ridiculous family. i repeat, ah freedom....

also, my sister gave me a drunken phone call from england last night. she's the awesomest!

2007-09-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

woah nelly. i think out of all my friends, i am one of the most ridiculous planners out there. for example, this weekend i am trying to coordinate seeing my mom and my aunt in jersey while also going into ny to see college friends, a high school friend, and grad school friends. and then go back to jersey for a brunch. i am taking trains, buses, and cars to get to all these said places, and relying on people to drive me to train stations, and pick me up. all of which requires coordination and planning between at least 5 parties, including myself. there is not enough time to see everyone i want to see, and i'm feeling guilty that i'm shortchanging my family or something. which would probably be to the best, as they drive me crazy.
but i realize where i get my neuroticism. my friends, two days ahead of time, have no firm plans. in fact, a few might be making plans while on the train to new york. i, on the other hand, am already freaking out trying to figure out exactly how and when i am getting wherever i need to go. and it all comes back to my mom. i called my mom to tell her when i was coming (as in which day) and her first response was "ok, i'm getting in at 1. what time are you coming?" yes, it may seem innocuous, but keep in mind i've been told at least 4 times when she is arriving, and explained already that i still need to work and can't get there that early. nor do i know what train i will catch on friday. my mom is the type that wants to know my travel details at least a month in advance and go over them again every time we speak until i actually arrive. in case, you know, magically i changed my plans without bothering to tell her. every 3 days. and oy, we always need to leave an hour before we actually need to leave, in case worlds collide and we experience hitherto unseen record levels of traffic . and everything must be figured out RIGHT NOW, even if its 3 months in advance. and now, i've soaked up her craziness to make it my own. awesome.

2007-09-23T02:39:00.000-04:00

as much as i don't like being single, i can't seem to make myself become a flirting machine. i was never very good at flirting to begin with, but i find the whole interpersonal dynamic to be a little embarrassing. i'm not really sure why i think this, nor what exactly is embarrassing about it, but most times i'd rather jsut avoid it. i thnk the entire process is really fake. your true goal is to get a superficial read on someone and determine if there is anythign straight off the bat that screams "approach with caution" or "avoid at all costs". then there is the few phone calls, and ultimately The Date. during said date, you go through the dances of again getting to know someone over a meal, and in this case there is more of an opportunity to be unique and be your true self, and really find a connection. but in a dimly lit bar, over who knows how many drinks, there is little chance a true connection will be made.
maybe its only my personal lack of skills, but i can't imagine most bar-flirting conversation encompasses more than where you went to school, what you do, do you like the music playing, or sports team affiliation, where you grew up, etc. sometimes you get the gem of an original conversation, but most of the time it's variations on the aforementioned themes. all with the undertone of forced laughing, subtle touching, light teasing, and all around i'm-not-overtly-saying-it-but-you-know-why-i'm-talking-to-you. and everyone else knows why you're talkign too.
take tonight for example. i was out with some friends, and one of the girls i was with basically sunk her hooks into this guy who met us, declaring her intentions as clearly as if she said out loud, MINE. as soon as this guy even looked in my direction or talked to me at all, she was right there next to him directing the conversation back to being between her and him, instead of joining our conversation. at some points she physically pushed me out of the circle, with her back to me while talking to him! but she's a nice girl, i don't think it was intentional, i think she was only determined in her inebriated state to hook her prey. she was playing the game with confidence, executing all the correct signals, but i was so put off by her behavior- all i could think was, i hope i don't look like that.
i hate the game, not playing games in terms of does he like me, i'll make him wait, and so forth,
but the dance that is bar-flirting. i always always feel like i'm competing against other girls. i was interested in this guy too, but there was no way i was going to fight for his attention. i have more dignity than that! and i'm jsut not good at stupid small-talk conversation. i can do it, but that's not the real me, i don't usually talk about that stuff! the whole thing jsut makes me feel gross. i don't know how i can expect to meet guys without goign through the flirting stages, but there just has to be a better way, one that doesn't make me feel like i'm competing to make a sale.

when angela lansbury ruled the world...

2007-09-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

"murder she wrote" is clearly one of the best television shows on, even in reruns. first of all, she's everyone's favorite grandma, who goes around getting her nose into every murder in a ten mile radius, all while cranking out best sellers. and she does it with a casual down to earth grace that just makes you want to come over for tea or something and listen to her stories, while eating fresh baked apple pie. thanks j.b.
also, msw reigned in a time when the characters were characters and not sex kittens or beefed up muscle machines. no mcdreamies nor girls next door nor underage cheerleaders, etc. there was angela lansbury and the golden girls.
and feathered hair, pastel makeup, shoulder pads, men with bushy mustaches, curly/frizzy hair, oldsmobiles, and rotary phones. awesome. just imagine young girls wanting to be like mrs. fletcher and write novels while being an all around mench, instead of being made to feel inadequate and realizing that dr. rey can make it allllllllll better with plastic boobs. the only old people on tv nowadays (if you can even think of any) are ray romano's crazy mom and other crazy mom characters cut from the same mold.

however, there is a ray of sunshine, a glimmer of hope for young girls everywhere to have models other than paris hilton, britney spears and lindsay lohan among others who trade on their sex appeal. they may only be fictional characters, but the women who play them sure give them a personality and a brain (and a right hook). brenda johnson, kara thrace, laura roslin, pj franklin, grace hanadarko, sam carter, temperance brennan all are females characters who don't take shit, and don't define their lives by their relationships with men. though satc seems feminist at first, i still find it sad all of them ultimately only found satisfaction in a man, and lead their lives searching for their version of mister right. and none of these characters are super-women either - each have very significant flaws that makes their characters believable and real. and though starbuck may be a cylon, and a little nuts, she'll still make paris hilton hide behind her hair extensions and pound those wimpy girls into next week, all with that cold crazy-eyes stare. perhaps there will be more strong real women (ugly betty is getting close, but she's still a size 6 people, and she's the fat girl!)

in the meantime, i have a date with j.b. fletcher. at least until they kick her off the air.

2007-09-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

i have a new object desire: one of the cheesemongers at the local specialty food store. i went in to see what they had and aside from great cheese, they have a supercute funny guy selling it. he was a bit flirty with me, but i think he was just trying to get me to buy cheese. in which he was successful. i was a little flirty back (even so far as to tell him he was being a tease by tempting me to buy great cheese i couldn't taste first). but i didn't give him my number or anything like that. the place was way way too busy. he had said his name (though they are supposed to be friendly like that, with their names displayed on which cheeses are their favorites), and before i left i gave him mine, but that was the extent of the flirting.

and i totally want a date with cheese guy. so, i plan on becoming a regular- but, i need tips on how to ask cheese guy out. my plan of attack thus far is to go back when they aren't busy (and hopefully cheese guy is working - if not mission is aborted until a future time). tell him how great the cheese was, and then somehow ask him out for coffee. but how to get from point a to b is a little murky. it is a little bit difficult to make conversation that doesn't involve selling me cheese, or asking stupid questions like "so, is there special training to become a cheese guy?" any thoughts?

2007-09-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

last weekend i was out with the single gals at some parties. one of these parties was hosted by a second year guy in my program. we were chatting, and he encouraged us to come see his band play on wednesday night. always intrigued to see new music, i was bummed because it's rosh hashana, and likely couldn't attend. to which he replied, "well i'm half jewish, and i'm not going to temple." i was a little wishy washy, and one of my friends chimed in "she's only going to meet jewish boys". (thanks friend*) next came "well the lead singer is jewish, and he has lot of jewish friends." so i said i would go.

and now i feel so much freaking pressure, it's unbelievable. and i'm putting all of it on myself. this guy probably won't even remember our conversation, he was in between beer pong games at the time, and i had to plead with my friends who actually knows this guy to come with me. so i wouldn't be the crazy stalker girl from the party, because i've talked to him maybe once before. so now, i've been enticed by the prospect of single boys, and have my friends there to help meeting of said single boys. and i'm freaked out. i am TERRIBLE under scrutiny, even from close friends. likely a holdover from my early days of making a fool of myself while discovering Boys, and getting laughed at. (stupid elementary/middle school girls) i feel like every move i make is going to be watched, and i know they will be cheering me on, but i just get unnerved. i do my own imitation of a deer in headlights. i find it easier sometimes to just not flirt and act like i don't care. which never ends up getting me a guy. surprisingly.

the mostly likely scenario to unfold will be us at the bar listening to the music, and then not talking to the boys. or the boys not talking much to me. and if this happens, i'll feel like i failed or something. part of me is dreading the rejection/failure/embarassment that could potentially occur. i think if i hadn't literally begged the girls to come, i would wimp out. its strange, i'm completely confident in terms of work, but when it comes to my love life, i melt into a puddle of nervous goo.

*other funny friend stories. she had a really good time the next night, if you know what i mean. aside from stepping on my foot in her heels on the dancefloor, she decided to "help" me flirt with a guy. i was already dancing with him, and she keeps coming over and trying to introduce me. to the guy she doesn't know, with whom i am already dancing. then at the bar, she leans over and says to him "she's really good in bed." classic.

2007-09-04T14:35:00.000-04:00

i wrote this months ago, and never posted it. but i always liked it, though i'll be the first to admit that i am NOT a good poet. i am way too much of a cheeseball. but i don't care, this is my blog and i'll post if i want to :)

i traverse the ocean in a boat with no sail
a single oar to aid me, the moon my guide
i dig deep and overcome the tide
a constant battle against a giant

clouds mask her from me, have i ridden these waves before?
a second oar would right my path
should i rest until the sky is clear?
or lay adrift in the pull of the tide

she waxes and wanes and the chaotic waves never cease
there is no rudder to hold, no sail.
only the boat beneath my feet,
and the oar in my hands.

parents just don't understand

2007-09-03T21:55:00.000-04:00

i love my parents, but we jsut aren't really that close. i frequently feel that they regret that lack of connection, my father for example has recently complained that i never call him. they don't really know the details of my life, and i don't really talk to them about anything of importance. so during the times when i have crises that i can speak to them about (as in ones that do not revolve around my love life, of which i can only speak to them in abstract terms) i try to make that connection, try to let them in on the things that are really bothering me to reach out.
today i've realized that my parents don't want to hear it. i tried to talk to them about a friend who has a terrible boyfriend whom i can't stand, who has recently gotten re-engaged. i had dinner wiht them tonight, and came home fuming about this guy's immature uncouth behavior. i called my house, hoping to vent to my sister about it, and my dad answered the phone. my sister was not home, so i thought, here is an opportunity for my parents to gain insight into what is truly going on in my life.
in a nutshell, my fatehr laughed outright at the stories of this guy's behavior, instead of realizing that the stories were not the point of the conversation, they were only examples of a larger issue. i do have to give him credit for listening to the more serious aspects of why i was so upset, but then, he cut me off and told em i needed ot tell the stories to my mom and handed the phone to her. so i start tellign the whole spiel to my mom, starting with the relevant background information about this guy, why this night was only the latest in a long list of issues, and she kept saying, fine, what's the funny story? your father was laughing?
i got mad again, and tried to explain that i wasn't calling to tell a funny story, the situation was not funny at all. she finalyl got the picture, adn after a bit of my venting my frustrations, she gave a bit of advice (again, i must give her credit for being helpful) but then kept telling my to calm down and the she couldn't talk to me about it anymore. basically she didn't want ot hear the stories, and said we were on the phone forever, and she needed to go to bed. and changed the subject to the inane conversation of telling me what she did at the gym.
my parents do not understand me, and don't want to hear the stories and frustrations that would make them understand. if they can't help immediately, they don't want to hear about the issues i am having. and they wonder why they don't know me that well and don't understand why i don't talk to them about the things going on in my life.
the conversation with my mom ended with me saying sarcastically and a little viciously,
"fine mom, next time we'll talk about shopping."
"ok hun, good night" she replied with a smile i could hear over the phone.

2007-09-02T18:11:00.001-04:00

in the spirit is getting myself out of my funk of single-ness, i am suppressing my depression, ignoring those bad feelings. maybe not the healthiest attitude- it could come back and bite me in the butt later on, but i'm tired of being upset. i'd rather just try and focus on the good things in life. see the glass half full and such, so get excited for less depressing posts.

last night i went out with elizabeth to pumpkin, one of the ever expanding number of italian byos in the city. the food was ok, but not great. and the service was terrible. we did end up getting free dessert, but it wasn't that spectacular, a peach and blueberry crisp that didn't amaze me. my entree, on the other hand, was just plain bad. skate over a corn, black bean and chorizo mix. i bet if you really wanted that jumbalaya/gumbo flavor it would have been good, but after that meal, i realize i hate chorizo. i think i only tolerate it in eggs, but even then it isn't something i love. too smoky, and the smoky chorizo completely overpowered the fish in that dish. elizabeth got hangar steak, and it was good, but again not great. i won't be returning.

last week jo and i went to a much better byo, mercato. and as usual the food was fabulous, accompanied by a great red zin (i want to say clive, but i'll have to ask jo or look it up). she had a great portobello pasta dish, and i had pan friend scallops. they were so tender and not dry at all, and her pasta was a perfect balance of flavors. i adore italian cooking, and one thing i've learned from the plethora of italian restaurants i've been to is that simple is better. dishes that accentuate one flavor, maybe two, using other ingredients to make it stand out and compliment it tend to be the best in my book. not the ones that throw all these really powerful ingredients into a dish, leaving me overwhelmed by the onslaught. the service there was also wonderful. the hostess tried to get us a table outside, but the other patrons were slow to leave. she sat us inside and before we placed our order came over asking if we wanted to move because a table had just opened up. she was so concerned about us! so we had our fantastic meal outside in perfect weather, and ended the evening with a wonderful strawberry shortcake for dessert, that had a distinctive, if hard to place flavor to it. maybe mint, or anise? yummers.

tomorrow night is the continental, for dana's birthday, one of those uber-trendy restaurants where the decor eclipses the food. the food is good, but a bit overpriced in my book. i'd still rather go back to mercato, or melograno, or la viola, or a number of other non-italian byos. but for a girls' night bday celebration, the continental will probably be lots of fun, satc style.

2007-09-01T23:59:00.000-04:00

i'm a little bit drunk so take this posting with a grain of salt. the mopey-ness in me is coming out, and i just can't stop it.
the past month or so has not been good. i've been dwelling on the fact that i'm single, and i've been making myself depressed about it more than i should be. i understand this, but it is time to get myself out of this funk. being depressed has accomplished nothing, except making myself even more unhappy. but how to drag myself out? how to be proactive about this situation? therein lies my downfall, no longer being single is not something i can fix on my own, there is another party involved, one over whom i have no control.
one of my options is to get another membership in jdate. i've perused a bit, and at this point i feel i must lower my standards and just go out with boys. but.... i don't want to have to pay more money to go out with boys that amount to nothing. that last time i got back into the jdating pool, the few dates i had were absolutely terrible. our conversations via email were great, even over the phone were great. but when we actually met, there was no chemistry. nothing. nada. zilch. so i'm faced with attempting again, for the 4th or 5th time, hoping this time will be different, lowering my expectations, and paying another $35 for the disappointment, or just hoping that i will randomly meet a great guy. and likely remaining single indefinitely with either option. ugghh. goldygirl, you aren't alone.

2007-08-29T23:25:00.000-04:00

i've discovered something. something wonderful. and i just can't keep it to myself. hate me if you must.

2007-08-28T23:32:00.001-04:00

every so often i come across a song that just sticks with me, a song that moves me, if you will. it's mellow, it's laid back, it's all instrumental, but it's amazing. track 3 on ( ) by sigur ros. that's not a typo, the entire album is untitled. but amazing. get ready to zone out to a place you've never been.

2007-08-22T23:49:00.000-04:00

i would like to state, for the record, there are times i loath being single. that's right, loath. of course, there are benefits to being single, as i've outlined before, but i find myself sinking into a state of near bitter spinsterdom. the last few conversations i've had with other women who have voiced reservations about their long term relationships, i have taken the side of "break up". we've all heard it before, when you're in love, you want to see the whole world in love too. well i'm not in love, and apparently i want to have the whole world be just as miserable just to commiserate with me. how horrible is that? and how MEAN? that little green monster is taking over! what is wrong with me!! i think i need a reality check. or a swift kick in the ass.

2007-08-19T20:05:00.000-04:00

lets all laugh together...

2007-08-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

i'm finally admitting my favorite weekend hangover activity. there is always, of course, brunch. that takes the cake. but, after brunch when all i want to do is sit home on my couch and watch tv, there are few genres of film that can suffice. and of those, most are movies that i would never ever pay for in the theater. there is always the romantic comedy chick flick, such as raising helen or other forgettable utterly predictable movie. also, there is the kid film, whose target audience is about 15 years younger than i am, like robots. hey, sometimes i just don't like to think and be amused by the simplest forms of comedy. geared toward a 10 year old. but my all time favorite must be the horror/thriller/scifi genre. like underworld, blade, resident evil, the covenant, etc. i don't know what it is. i would never EVER pay to see them in a theater, in fact it has taken me this long to admit to it on the internet. but there is something about vampires and acting that only requires learning fight moves that makes a hangover that much more bearable.

i haven't disappeared

2007-08-09T11:43:00.000-04:00

i haven't had anything extremely noteworthy to blog about, and i've gotten tired of venting about, you know, feelings and boys and stuff. im through with feelings. they are overrated. the ones about boys at least. so i will attempt a feeling-free blog, but still keep it interesting, i hope.

last night i went to see dave matthews. i have been going to see dave matthews for the past 6 years consistently. though, my first was in high school, with scott (a boy from high school who still invites me to parties and emails, even though i haven't actually hung out with him in about 5 years. very flattering, but no). while i have grown considerably older, the audience age at a dmb show has remained exactly the same. though the amount of drinking and making out has dramatically increased. i felt as though i was attending a college party, and dave was hired as the band, covering dmb songs. the audience clearly only liked the songs they knew, and during the extended solos (when they couldn't sing along with the chorus), the audience demonstrated the attention span of a peanut. drama unfolded all around me, interspersed with young couples sucking face and grinding. seriously, why/how do you grind at a dave show? dave shows have taken on the party atmosphere akin to perhaps a jimmy buffet show, where everyone goes to get wasted but only really know one song (margaritaville). it isn't about the music, it's about the party. and when i looked at the college/high school kids around me (who were likely 7 when i went to my first show), i realized i have finally outgrown the lawn. i'm happy to pay the extra money for seats if it means i can be surrounded by people who go for the music and not the tailgating. i think this means i'm old.

2007-07-18T15:54:00.000-04:00

the weather outside is gross. it has been humid and hot for the past two days, and is now raining cats and dogs. i was about to go to the gym, already in my gym clothes and everything, and as i dug through my bag for my umbrella i completely lost my motivation to work out. or do anything. i am tired and cranky. and it's because of the weather. no sun, no blue sky, just ickiness breeding mopey-ness. blech.

2007-07-16T12:57:00.000-04:00

last week was a welcome respite from the usual grind, though not the vacation i would have taken had i known how ineffective i was to be at work. i would have traveled soemwhere, left the city, but alas i was here and only half-assed it at work. lots of sleeping in, a party, a visit from the sister, and a fantastic concert. we saw the decemberists with the mann festival orchestra last night, and i think that every band should now travel with a full orchestra. it was amazing! the sound was overwhelming and utterly beautiful. well done decemberists.
so this week i am on a mission to return to my healthy feel-good lifestyle of getting up early and working out most days, followed by a good night's sleep. and perhaps i may even accomplish something in lab. speaking of lab, i am getting antsy about my paper. i haven't heard anything yet, and its been two weeks. i know its the summertime, and things can get backed up, but the suspense is starting to get to me. though no news is good news, i haven't been rejected yet. but patience was never my strong suit.

2007-07-09T23:41:00.001-04:00

matt and joanna's wedding was this past weekend, and it was fabulous. perfect weather, perfect location, and joanna looked absolutely beautiful. and the band was rockin and everyone had a great time. i'm so glad i was able to go!
and there were some mighty cute men at this wedding, matt was not exaggerating. unfortunately, the one guy i did have my eye on didn't quite work out as i had hoped. in a nutshell, i became the subject of some minor matchmaking attempts via his mom, and possibly matt's mom. here is one such example: at one point Boy's mom said "let me leave you two alone" and left the dance floor leaving me and Boy. at that point, i didn't pick up on it, and just thought it a little weird. then later it dawned on me when i found out that she'd asked matt's mom about me, and that steve oh so subtly dropped that i was interested in Boy to his mother. and then other weirdness slowly started to make sense. typical jewish mom matchmaking shenanigans. no joke man. i didn't even have to screw this one up on my own, i had help. i think oy vey sums it up quite nicely.

2007-07-05T00:45:00.000-04:00

i was reading in the park yesterday, and i had an epiphany. perhaps i will expand upon it more later, in fact i likely will write a good deal about it, but it came about from a single quote from joseph campbell:

You have to give up the life you've planned to find the life that's waiting for you.

cured

2007-06-30T01:29:00.000-04:00

no longer am i enamored with my crush. on top of finding out some not so great habits of his, i met yet another one of matt's ridiculously hot friends. seriously, this one walked over and my jaw dropped. and he's in a band. a real band. not i play on the weekends with my friends in the garage. hottttttt. i may never see him again, and that's fine. he did his job and cured me of my lusting after messed-up boy.
meanwhile, matt is a gold mine. i don't know why, but every one of his friends i've met is tall and hot. i can't wait for the freaking wedding. hot boys galore, all dressed up in their finest. gives a whole new meaning to the buffet.

2007-06-26T13:26:00.000-04:00

i have been busy as of late, even though summer is finally truly here. philly has turned into a soupy gross sauna, and i cherish my a/c like no other. but i have been spending most of my time in lab attached to my computer the last two days. my boss and i are writing my paper, hopefully to be submitted by the end of this week. i feel as though i am winding down to my end point, though i know my paper - if not outright rejected - will be sent to reviewers who will undoubtedly ask me to perform more experiments before it can be accepted for publication. so the actual finish line as far as this paper is concerned is likely months down the road. i only hope they don't demand the near-impossible. this work is the culmination of my last 3 years in this lab, and if accepted i am well on my way to graduating. or at least feeling like i accomplished something.

questions

2007-06-20T22:58:00.000-04:00

too many times i wish my life was a novel. every action, every twist, every nuance of character is thought on, analyzed, and has meaning behind it. it is an idealized version of human existence. i crave that meaning, that purpose. often i find myself listing in an ocean with no sail, wondering where the tide will pull me, hoping the next wave brings excitement and meaning. i have attained success and small victories. i have persevered against the odds. i have held my head high in the face of fear and shame. i have achieved when otherwise could have failed. but there is an unfinished piece, a depth that hides below a glass floor. i find myself still stumbling in the dark. but is fulfillment ever found, and where must i look for my own?

10 benefits of being single

2007-06-19T23:43:00.000-04:00

i feel that a great deal of my time is spent lusting after boys, thinking about being in a relationship, and being sad that i am still single. however, i know there are many benefits of being single, and i feel that i need to remind myself of them. so here is my list:

1. i can do what i want, when i want. if i want to go to the gym at 9pm, i can. if i want to go right after work i can. if i decide to sleep in, i can. if i want to eat fruit for dinner, go ahead. i can read until 3 am if it so moves me. if i want to have a dance party in my living room, do it.

2. no one eats my food. those saved raspberries will still be there tomorrow.

3. i have my entire bed to myself. while i may not have a cuddlebuddy, i can lie spread eagled and not be struggling with covers/no covers from another source of bodyheat.

4. i always pick what's on tv. even if its crappy science fiction or E!

5. i can walk around naked. though i likely could do this in a relationship as well, there is no question this way.

6. my apartment can be messy if i want it to be. no one nags me to clean. even when it really really should be.

7. i can do weird exercises at night in front of the tv, sporadically. like crunches and planks and random leg lifts.

8. i don't have to share my bathroom with a boy. you all know what i mean.

9. i can play my flute any time i like, and not be asked to shut the hell up. i can also sing karaoke along with my ipod, and not be told to shut the hell up.

10. i don't have to take care of anyone else, or any of their crap. no laundry nor cooking for anyone else. i can just take care of me and the kitty. and the kitty repays me in purrs.

2007-06-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

my friend aaron emailed this to me. i thought it would give you a little chuckle in the morning!

Four baseball fans - a Cubs fan, a Cardinals fan, a Red Sox fan, and a
Yankees fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team
more.

The Cubs fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for the Cubs!" he yells,
and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan shouts, "This is for the Cardinals!"
and throws himself off the mountain.

The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, "This is for everyone!" and pushes the Yankees fan off the
mountain.

2007-06-18T23:49:00.001-04:00

i had so much fun this weekend. jamie was here and we had a blast, and my party was a complete success! here are some pictures from the evening a la my sistah. there are more on my myspace!

lisa and i: two sexy ladies!

matt being super adorable. and drunk.

sistah love!

feeling short between the ridiculously tall steve (left) and bart (right).

joanna, ariel and me. ah cornell connections! and they were having fun, even though they look mopey in this picture.

2007-06-15T01:11:00.000-04:00

my sistah is coming tomorrow! or today actually! woot, i am pumped.

also, i am hosting a party tomorrow, and i have no idea how i'm going to squish everyone in my apartment. i think the dining table will need to be put in my bedroom. and i hope we have enough beer. i went overboard on the liquor, but unless i have enough for at least twice as many people that actually show up, i will worry. because i'm neurotic like that and uber paranoid about running out.

though this time i did not make food. food for 30 is just too much. and now there is no table to put it on. i also rearranged some of my furniture, and finally cleaned the corner that was jsut accumulating crap. it looks so much nicer now! if only i could always keep it this clean...

and i will be wearing one of my new dresses. it's my party and i'll look nice if i want to. yowza.

2007-06-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

so i'm back into the internet j-dating game. i have a few dates lined up, but man, i am just dreading that blind date let-down. no matter how great a guy seems, i always lack that spark of connection. i know there are some great stories of people who found future spouses online, but for me it has been one first date after another, with no second date and a "hurry up and get me out of here". in some cases, its a series of "what about this... no. how about this... no. do you like this... no. have you heard of this... no". i have not yet mastered the quick escape.

it's better than sitting home alone, wishing i could meet someone and never meeting anyone, but there is a significant part of me that is loathing having to actually go meet these boys. dating can be fun, but most of the time it sucks.

kiss of death

2007-06-07T19:59:00.000-04:00

that's it, i have gotten a clear and resounding rejection by boy-who-is-too-stupid-to-realize-i'm-perfect. early today i invite him to happy hour with my friends, and he says he'll stop by. an hour before, we decide to go to a different place, and he still says he'll see me there. great, i think.

he walks in and finds us, and instead of pulling up a chair, says he can't stay and has stuff to do. why he didn't just text me i have no idea. then the aforementioned kiss of death. i ask what he's doing this weekend. he responds "i have dates."

that's right, not i'm busy or i have plans. i have "dates". plural. i can't even get one freaking date, and he has TWO. and he tells me about them. a clear rejection if i've ever heard one. and as always, there is the little tiny part of me that is like, ok, he just wants a piece of ass*, not a real relationship. but i need to beat down that tiny voice with a very large stick and realize he is not worth my heartache. he is retarded. and i never win.

*also at happy hour was an irish girl from the lab next door. when my friend actually used "piece of ass" in conversation, her face lit up and she said it was the first time she'd ever heard anyone say that outside of a movie. and instead of "out drinking" i will hence be "on the piss".

2007-06-06T00:17:00.011-04:00

i need some suggestions for summer reading. i lately picked up the reagan diaries and the assault on reason, so i'm all politicked out for a while. i started the diaries, and they are actually really interesting, especially considering reagan's bad rep from liberals and women. i wish every president kept a daily diary, i wish i could at least confirm my impression of bush as a thirteen year old boy with his fingers in his ears yelling, "i cant hear you! can't hear you! i'm gonna do what i want, you can't stop me! la la la la la!"
i think i'm going to pick up the feminism book i saw on the colbert report tonight too. i always liked reading about feminism, and find it very empowering. i'm not really sure why i stopped.
i have also been reading the dark tower books, by stephen king. i don't usually go for scary stuff, but this is much more creative fantasy than thriller. no nightmares.
so any good books lately?

2007-06-02T04:07:00.001-04:00

fyi: i've been doodling on the internet and found some interesting information. in addition to the recently released tmnt movie, and the transformers movie out this summer, there will soon be a voltron movie, and a new he-man movie, out in the next couple of years. i don't know if anyone could eclipse dolph lundgren's amazing performance as he-man, yelling "i have the power!", nor courtney cox's brilliant portrayal of the american girl caught up in eternian shenanigans. only time will tell my friends, time will tell. but i for one am pumped, its like i never left my childhood. if only they would make a she-ra movie. jessica biel could so pull it off.

back on the wagon

2007-05-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

i had a relaspe. hungover on sunday, i stayed inside most of the day and watched movies. monday was more of the same (i caught up on the entire season of heroes), combined with snacking on junk. then yesterday i overslept and got to work at 11. there was no reason, just my inability to get myself up and out of bed, and not caring about everything else. i wasn't tired from exercising, because i hadn't gone to the gym in the past three days either.
however, before it was long enough to become habit, as of last night i am back! completely unmotivated to work out, i went thinking i would go easy on the elliptical. but my machine of choice was in use, so i resigned myself to running. yet when the treadmill started, i found myself oddly not praying for it to end. i felt good! i felt strong! and i ran two miles, until my shins started that familiar ache. but it didn't matter, i still felt good!
reinvigorated, i woke up at 8am this morning, and even made myself breakfast! i can't remember the last time that happened. the healthy me is back people.

stream of consciousness?

2007-05-28T00:55:00.000-04:00

i wish my life was a chick flick.

following some comedic ridiculousness, i'll meet the love of my life. we won't get together right away, hilarity will ensue from mistaken meanings and confused communication. we'll both hit rock bottom, separately, bemoaning the fact that we aren't together to all our friends, until finally he wins my heart accompanied by a great line like "you complete me" or "you're the best thing that's every happened to me, and i'm not going to let you go" or "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" or even "as you wish". and then we would live happily ever after, and when i'm a delusional old lady he'll read me the story of how we fell in love every day.

it would break the box office. and set record dvd sales. i can dream can't i?

speaking of dreams, last night was a doozy. i only seem to remember the ones with celebrities, but brad and angelina went to high school with us, and i think he was dumping her for me. she was upset, but ultimately cool with it. there was also a strange scene involving an auditorium with glass windows overlooking the ocean. it was night, and there was a thunderstorm complete with lightening. it was breathtaking, though it may have been a separate dream. weird stuff man.

2007-05-27T02:01:00.000-04:00

dude. its my birthday. and i'm having a great time. sweeeeet.

random thoughts

2007-05-24T11:42:00.000-04:00

i don't have too much new stuff to update, but i have an obsessive need to write in my blog.

last weekend i went out to long island for jo's bachelorette party. we did a wine tour in a limo, complete with stereotypical queens limo driver. we could not have paid an actor to be better. at one point, in his horrendous queens accent, he turned to us and said, "honestly, how's this eyebrow? i just did it!" and then he pulled out this vanity mirror with lights on the side your grandma uses. classic.

i'm listening to portishead now, and i had forgotten how amazingly awesome they are. after some poking around, i think they are due to release a new album this year, or possibly next year, which means they may be touring soon! the first time in 10 years! woot!
and i'm also going to see gwen stefani tonight with jackie. she's so great, every summer she calls (or rather texts, she doesn't actually use the call feature on her phone) and tells me which concerts she's gotten us tickets for. fantastic. so far my summer lineup is gwen, the philly orchestra, manu chao, the decemberists with the philly orchestra, THE POLICE, dmb, muse, and fiona apple. and possibly more, i'm pumped.

things also remain confusing with the boy, though i have settled into not caring as much. i cna't interpret his behavior in the slightest, and he gives mixed signals up the wazoo, wherever that is. so screw it. if he wants me he can do something about it, and until then i will continue to be my fabulous self. fab-u-lous.

2007-05-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

and on a side note, boys suck and are stupid. i feel like i need to club this one and bring him back to my cave.

2007-05-18T14:00:00.000-04:00

this makes me sad. it's so true, and as someone who delights in new celebrity gossip and can't wait to see who is dating who and who wore what, i am a little ashamed. i hope that most of the music i like is based on artistic talent, and not what people look like, but i have to admit that i do shake my booty to songs by those sexy girls.
i would actually have to search through my music collection to find a modern female singer that didn't drive the boys crazy witih her looks. maybe alanis morrissette, but i wouldn't put her in the not-so-pretty category. maybe ani, but she's pretty too, i can't disregard her lesbian following. maybe missy elliot, but she lost all her weight, and i feel that she was an anomaly. and she played in the boys' club of hip-hop back then when she got her start. there are plenty of bands in my collection i've never seen pictures of, but i would be willing to place bets that not a single woman among them is overweight. they may not be the epitome of beauty, but NOT overweight. that would be the kiss of death for any woman try to get signed by a label. not-as-pretty girls can be airbrushed and wear makeup as to be completely unrecognizable, but weight can't be hidden. until they get lipo, that is.
in the article they mention janis joplin, and aretha franklin, what about ella fitzgerald and billie holiday? tremendous voices, who both left an undeniable mark on future artists, and neither would have been able to get a record deal today. but both lindsay lohan and paris hilton released albums. wonderful works of art those were. ask youself the question, if you had to pick between the voice of ella fitzgerald and her not as beautiful looks or lindsay lohan's looks and complete lack of talent, which would you choose in this day and age? if it came down to it, i hope i'd sing like ella, but i can't deny the appeal of beauty, however fleeting, when it gets you so much in our society.

2007-05-16T09:30:00.000-04:00

i was in sharon for the weekend, saw the fam, did some shopping, it was a nice relaxing time. i also started running! i went for three miles sunday and monday! and yesterday i was hardcore on the elliptical! and i got up at 745 this morning! i can already feel myself getting healthier, it's great! if its isn't too hot, i plan on running again this afternoon! go me! (i've become my own cheerleading squad.)

on another note, i have officially made friends with the starbucks barrista. now, when he sees me standing in line, he starts making my tall non-fat no whip white chocolate mocha so its ready by the time i get to the register. it's the little things in life.

2007-05-10T20:21:00.000-04:00

the last week was... eventful. i will summarize what i've learned and/or just keep telling myself in cliches and cheesy metaphors, and you can infer what happened.

1. patience and subtlety work. i finally chased a boy until he caught me.

2. save the flip-floppy stomach for when it matters.

3. no one is perfect and timing is everything.

4. loss of control sucks. for everyone. you are not alone.

5. if you stay on the sidelines, you never get to play. getting beat is better than being benched.

6. life goes on. you can go through it happy or sad. pick one and stick with it.

2007-05-08T14:31:00.000-04:00

i've been doing well with my quest, though not quite at my goal (i think i may have reached too far). however, i've been getting up at 8am! and been more healthy! and getting to work earlier! and being happier in general, though that may be due to the weather. in fact, my entire turn-around may be due to the weather. it is not as hard to get up in the morning when i look outside and see a bright blue sky beckoning.
on a side note, for the last two days, right after vacating starbucks, my morning latte in hand, i hear "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood. would you be mine? won't you be my neighbor?" i guess some things never truly leave you.

2007-05-04T00:24:00.000-04:00

i have a resolution, a goal... nay, a quest. my quest is to revolutionize my daily routine.
this has been an ongoing campaign, littered with setback after setback, and the slow and inevitable deterioration into bad habits: sleeping until 10, though my alarm goes off at 8. giving myself the absolute minimum amount of time required to get ready in the morning before work. taking the subway instead of the 30 minute walk in the morning. and i hate to admit it, but taking.... a cab.... when i am ridiculously late. there i said it. its out in the open. judge it you must.
my bad habits continue with the consequences of arriving at work so late, not leaving until 645 or 7. i have been better recently, i now walk home from work with the intention of exercising when i get back. thoguh, by the time i return, my stomach is rumbling, and i find myself munching away, thinking i'll work out later. of course, this never happens. or so rarely as not to be useful at all. so i end up snacking and sitting in front of the tv watching a movie or one of my many addictions until 1 or 2 am. then putzing on my computer for a while. sleep usually beckons around 2am. and i feel icky.
i crave that feeling of satisfaction, of a healthy lifestyle, filled with a positive mindset. i feel that if i could accomplish this, my good mood would spill over into other areas of my life. and it all begins with getting my lazy lazy butt out of bed in the morning. that one thing, that one tiny thing is the key to my fulfillment, yet it is my utter downfall. i CANNOT do it. my bed is just so warm, so cozy, so seductive. and in the morning haze of that in-between dream state, i can rationalize staying in bed a while longer. sleeping burns more calories than watching tv. i don't have that much to do at work. i was having a good dream. later on, approaching that critical hour, i realize that my excuses were complete and utter bullshit, and curse myself for falling prey to them yet again.
tomorrow my friends. tomorrow it changes. tomorrow i am getting up at 730am. i am going running on the treadmill upstairs. i will take a long and relaxing shower, allowing myself time for all sorts of girly getting-readiness. i will eat breakfast, and clean up the kitchen before i leave, instead of leaving my dishes for later. i will arrive at work energized for the day and it will be glorious. victory is mine!

2007-05-03T16:08:00.000-04:00

another check on my list! i have one more experiment to do before i'm done with everything essential for my paper. woot woot woot. i've written a complete first draft and sent it to my boss for him to pick apart and likely rewrite large sections thereof. which is fine with me, whatever gets it published.
!!!

so good, so good, so good!

2007-04-27T00:45:00.000-04:00

good news. last week i found one of my missing links, and now i am two experiments away from finishing my paper!!!! or at least, finishing it enough to send it out. reviewers will probably tell us we need more stuff, but it's good to at least try! i don't have the highest expectations, especially because we're going to first try for a very competitive journal, but who knows, it might even be accepted!
i was so unbelievably excited today. i printed up all of my figures in a format to be submitted, instead of for a powerpoint presentation, so i could talk to my boss about what i actually have and what i still need to do. and i have A LOT. it looks so pretty and professional, i just want to hang them up and my wall and stare at the wonderfulness of actually having data.
and even though i'm still working on some things, he told me to start writing it up! yes, i have started writing my paper. MY PAPER. MINE. ME. ME ME ME. i can't even tell you how good it feels. two plus years of work may finally be coming to fruition. of course, i still have those two experiments to do. one is going to be pretty easy, but one is a bitch and a half. it may be a month or more before i can get it to work. but i have officially started writing my paper. mine. meeeeeeeeeeee.

note to those who are unfamiliar with the science phd: i am not writing my thesis (aka dissertation) yet. this is a research paper that will eventually be expanded upon to be a major portion of my thesis, but i am not graduating any time soon. so don't ask. i'll call you, so to speak.

2007-04-25T16:49:00.001-04:00

this is hysterical. i know its been out for a while, i'm a bit behind the times, but if you saw star wars, you'll laugh your ass off.

2007-04-23T15:59:00.000-04:00

i suck. i am totally and completely oblivious to baseball this season. i have no other baseball fans here with whom to watch or talk about the games. and while i love watching games, i cannot watch them in the solitude of my own home by myself. unfortunately, i get bored without anyone to talk to or rant to or drink beer with. and everyone is watching the phillies here, and the phillies are boring. sigh.

2007-04-22T14:39:00.000-04:00

i need to reaffirm: you all need to listen to mika. the album is AWESOME. if you don't like grace kelly, i don't know if we can still be friends.

politics? what?

2007-04-20T17:32:00.000-04:00

my labmates and i love to talk politics. i find it especially refreshing, speaking with foreigners, especially from a country with which our relations have never been peachy (china). they always have interesting views on our political system, especially with all the craziness of late. and they are constantly dumbfounded by the power of religion in our politcal system, as the revolution obliterated any religious overtones whatsoever in chinese politics.

usually we talk about the war in iraq, and how they don't understand who supports bush. but today, we were talking about the '08 election. my boss had an interesting prediction, gore riding out as a late contender and sweeping the election. i know it isn't a novel idea, though people have been obsessed with hilary and obama. though i would love a female president, i find hilary even more of a politician than.. anyone. i feel she is only interested in becoming president, not actually doing anything important. and i don't really know where she stands on anything, she's much more concerned with trying to appeal to everyone. i think barack obama has the potential to be great. in 8 years. the dude just freaking started, he should run as vice president or something so that he gets some experience. but gore...
he has been just racking up the publicity. he's certainly shed his stiff and unrelate-able persona for that of a pop culture celebrity. he has a freaking oscar for goodness sake, you don't get higher on the pop culture radar than that. he's been completely dissociated from the absolute mess of the last 6 years, which gives him the ablity to make a fresh start with the rest of the world in my eyes. and who wouldn't give anything to have our biggest problem be the lewinsky scandal? everything that was against him before seems to be in his favor now. he also never switched positions on the war. and imagine, a president who has won a nobel peace prize (or at the very least has been nominated).
i'm pretty sure clinton came into the 92 election at the very last minute, maybe he's staying silent and taking his cues from bill. i'm predicting an announcement after they find out who wins the nobel in december. all the speculation is providing its own publicity.
at this point, he's my favorite. i used to be much more concerned with exactly what the nominee was planning to do, instead of their character. it helps that he's a democrat and shares many of my social views, but after so much scandal and lies and broken promises, someone who can inspire us to good things seems so much more important.

and i promise not to rant about politics for a long time. maybe when the primaries come up.

2007-04-20T12:16:00.000-04:00

it is SO BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. i can't help but smile :)

2007-04-19T13:56:00.000-04:00

i also have a new musical obsession to pass along: mika. so fun! particularly check out grace kelly, lollipop, billy brown and big girl (you are beautiful), and happy ending. the rest of them are pretty awesome as well. i have been dancing up a storm here in lab ;)

2007-04-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

in case you were wondering, i took down my ranting post about boy-i-like. it was one of those postings before i could gain some emotional perspective, and was slightly buzzed. never a good combination, and not the first time i've had to remove an alcohol-inspired posting.
but in a nutshell, i have a crush on a boy who doesn't return my feelings. i think i've gone through this enough times to finally accept that when this happens, (1) there is nothing i can do about it (2) wallowing in a hopeless state of smitten doesn't help anything and (3) blind optimism is not warranted. thinking "maybe..." is my own way of not dealing with reality, and living in la-la land. as in fingers in my ears singing la-la-la-la-la-la-la and not accepting the situation.
i know that there's a part of me that feels comfortable having a crush, i am in complete control of the situation. i know nothing can happen, and i can fantasize and mope all i want. its very safe. and no one gets hurt but me. my own brand of psychological masochism. and farther i get into friend territory. my weapon of choice while having a crush: become good friends with the guy in order to be around him more, guaranteeing that you will be moved permanently into friend zone, hence alleviating any possibility of having a romantic relationship. great plan, right? and it works every time! i can think of at least three serious crushes in which this happened. and these were not frivolous "i like yous". when i fall, i hit the sidewalk belly-flop style and i'm scraping my face off the sidewalk with a spatula.
so, as i mentioned earlier, i'm going to try not to think about it. instead of embracing my crush to the fullest, i'm going in the opposite direction and attempt to pretend it doesn't exist. repress repress repress, my new coping mantra.

2007-04-18T16:04:00.000-04:00

i feel so relaxed since my committee meeting has passed. like the fire under my butt has been put out and is only a steaming mess of worries hat i no longer need to concern myself with. so i have been working, and tryign to jsut focus on doing everything right and not everything all at once. and it looks like things could work out. i will know tomorrow... keep your fingers crossed, this is a big one!
i also have my baroque ensebmble performance tonight. i am excited, we are playing a bach trio sonata, and its great. i htink this group is the best i've been in so far, we are pretty tight, musically speaking ;) in a very musical mood, i downloaded lots of flute stuff to listen to, recordings of some of my favorite pieces. i'm just in a flutey-flute mood!
on the dating front, i decided to not answer my ex, and jsut forget about him. he doesn't deserve my sympathies. and i jsut don't want to deal with him. about the boy i have a crush on, i'm jsut not going to worry about it. if something happens ok, but i can't stress out about this stuff. i have more important things to occupy myself with. i jsut had a mini stress out episode, and now its over. i also have another date for friday. i don't know how much i have in common with this guy, but it's dinner at my favorite restaurant, so worst case scenario, i eat a good meal. can't be that bad.

2007-04-13T15:48:00.000-04:00

committee meeting... over! and it went really really well! they were so supportive, and i feel validated for my work over the past year. and its over. did i mention its over?

in other news, i htink i have another date with a boy on wednesday. other boy i was meh about never called me back, which is fine. i was meh about him to begin with. also, my ex-boyfirend emailed me on the myspace a while ago. i had passed him on the street, and i guess he did see me. so he emailed me, and then i replied very non-chalantly, but with a "good for you i'm glad you'e now in law school and no longer wasting away your life smoking pot and doing drugs all time" vibe. i guess i'm too much of a softee, i can't jsut ignore him. but now he emailed me back, and wrote me a loooooooooong ass email. and he apologized for parting on such bad terms, and acknowledged that i was really nice to him even though he was a dick, which made me feel better.

however, he also wants to get together for lunch or something. to say hi. yeah.
i suppose it would be a nice ego boost if i went. obviously you don't go contacting ex girlfriends you left on horrendous terms unless you have at least some ulterior motives. not that i want to date him again. I DO NOT. once dating a psychotic is enough for me. but can i go and maybe we could be on friendlier terms?

advice? suggestions?

2007-04-11T15:01:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling a bit more confident about my committee meeting. last night i had a little bit of a panic attack, because i hadn't yet found a room. and i was still putting together my research aims. but now i have a room, my presentation is rpetty much together,, and i think it makes sense. i still have a lot to do, but i think that i at least have some data for each aim, and the things i have left to do to accomplish my goals are do-able. i hope.
its strange, when you start a research proposal, its ridiculously broad, as in there is no way you will accomplish all of it. that's to take into account that some of it might not work, and then you need to have a backup plan. but so of my stuff did in fact work, and now i feel like i have acheivable goals. my only worry is that my committee may not think my plan is broad enough, what if they don't think its enough to constitute a thesis?
in my mind, i know this is ridiculous, because if everything worked, i'd have three or four papers, and usually people graduate with two, or even one. i've even heard of people graduating wiht none, but usually one is in the works. so keeping in mind that i'm only expected to have one or two papers worth of data, this isn't so bad. but there is still that lingering doubt that i'm too far behind, that i should be making more progress. but hopefully i'll make my case, and they'll approve. or maybe have some good suggestions!

2007-04-11T01:44:00.000-04:00

three more days.... then committee meeting over.... can rest without constant nagging in the back of my mind... will not feel the need to work 9 hour days on the weekend... can stop lugging my computer to lab to work on my presentation... three more days...

2007-04-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

sorry for the late update. date was ok, but not amazing. i think i'd like to see him again, but if i don't i won't be heartbroken. plus, he's moving to chicago in june. so, not too much potential there anyways. i'm still jdating though, i'll keep you posted.

nervous

2007-04-04T00:51:00.000-04:00

i am nervous for my date tomorrow. i know i shouldn't be. but now i've heard from two people who know this boy who have said good things about him. and now i am feeling the pressure. i think i usually don't get nervous for blind dates because i don't really care. and i have really low expectations. usually i go just with the idea of meeting a new person, and not expecting to hit it off, because it is a blind date. if it doesn't work out, i never have to see the guy again (except for the three chance encounters i had that were a little awkward). this date is starting to feel more like a set up, and if it doesn't go well i'll be letting someone down or something. which i know isn't true, and isn't ever the case.
and with these great recommendations, this boy must be too good to be true. i hate to say it, but the stereotypical blind date jitters you see in the movies is starting to take effect. i feel like meg ryan in you've got mail. "what if he takes one look at me and walks out the door?" i know deep down it won't happen, but there is that nagging sensation of depleting self confidence. which is the wrong way to approach a date, i know. maybe i just need a pep talk. or a pep movie. yes, a pep movie to re-instill my sense of unjustified romantic optimism.

2007-03-30T13:27:00.000-04:00

still crazy. i suppose after months of being stuck in a rut with little direction, and hours sitting on my couch watching tv due to my depressed state of mind, snapping out if it was bound to overwhelm me a little bit. i have been super busy at owrk, and for some reason i feel like now that i have my motivation back, everything should be happening immediately. when my experiments don't work i feel this jolt of "crap, that was supposed to work, now i'm going to fall behind! it should have worked!" which is completely irrational. just because i'm doing more experiemnts doesn't mean that everything is going to magically work. if science was like that, i would be graduating in december. so i need to stop panicking.

next, i'm going away this weekend to visit ariel in ny. and there are too many people in ny i want to see but don't have time for. boo. so i've been stressing myself out trying to organize my weekend. which shoudl NOT be stressful. this should be fun. arg.

i am also hosting a little quasi-seder on tuesday. luckily my friends are all great cooks, so i only have to put in minimal effort for someone hosting a seder. i made brisket last night and its in the freezer. the final phase of cooking it is only an hour before dinnertime, and it will be even better after having been frozen. d, if you ever want to branch out into the jewish brisket, i have the MOST AMAZING recipe for it. it's my aunt's "secret" recipe, but i don't believe in secret recipes, unless i'm selling the food. so cooking for seder won't be too bad, i hope. it will still be a mad dash, but i think i will try setting the table and getting my apartment spic and span the night before.

in other news, i have succumbed to not being able to find a date in this city out at the bars, and have once again put myself on jdate. i did it a few years ago, and after a month i got fed up with it and vowed never to do it again. i vow to never vow to never do something ever again. i figure, at least i will get some dates and meet people and have something to do (as if i don't already have enough to do). but i have a date with a seemingly very nice funny boy next week after i get back. we had a very witty email exchange and spoke on the phone yesterday, and i am excited to go out with him. i think the thing i liked best about talking to him was the complete lack of awkward pauses. usually i feel pressured to say something to fill the awkward silence, and i hate having to be the one to break it. but he was really easy to talk to. i could go on about the things i like about him, but considering it is internet dating (uuugggghhhh) it could be terrible and i could not like him at all. but it's much better than watching tv with my cat.

2007-03-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

the past two weeks have been a bit blurry. i have been busier than ever. i've been going out some, which is good, but i feel like i don't have time to stop and breathe, and there's no end in sight.

i think i crossed a threshold in my work. i constantly have the feeling that i don't have enough. not enough data. i'm scrambling around to get as much done as possible, wiht the idea of publishing something, anything, asap. it started while i was putting together my data for my committee meeting (when i realized that i don't have nearly as much as i had hoped for at this point). my meeting had to be postponed, yet again, but i still have that burning insecurity that i don't have enough data. in addition to that constant weight, my boss recently told me that i wasn't working enough. apparently a 40 hour week is way too little. so for the past few weeks i've gotten into the habit of pulling 9-10 hour days, every day, and working on the weekends. today i was in a slight state of panic when i realized that i didn't know if it was tuesday wednesday or thursday, because i had been working so many days in a row.

but strangely, i don't have that feeling of accomplishment that usually comes with putting in a lot of time. instead, i feel like i didn't have enough time in the day to do everything. and i am constantly working. all freaking day. and i have a constant tense muscle in my neck from workign on my computer. it just won't go away. even now, as i'm forcing myself to go to bed because i need to get up at 8 am tomorrow so i can put in my full day and get home before 8pm. and i have no more clean clothes. i'm definitely on the c-list of my wardrobe. i have a washer/dryer in my apartment, but my brain has been too fried to think about doing laundry. i took out the trash and then collapsed on my couch and zoned out to star trek for 2 hours. and then watched lost (so good!). and now its too late and i have to sleep, so i can work more tomorrow.

if this is what its like to be a real scientist, i can't handle this for the rest of my life.

2007-03-16T16:53:00.000-04:00

and its sleeting/freezing rain/hailing outside. fantastic.

2007-03-16T16:46:00.000-04:00

i know its been a while. i've been really busy lately, and i was away in vegas last weekend, which was awesome. and i only lost $100! i count that as a win in my book :) we stayed at caesar's,which is where celine dion has her crazy show. now, before going to vegas, i had no interest in seeing her. i mean, its celine dion. please. but once you are there, she's freakign EVERYWHERE. she was following us with her eyes, saying "come to my show, come to my show!" we saw a promo clip of it, and it actually looked interesting, for the spectacle of it all if nothing else! but alas, jamie and i did not try to get tickets, nor did we want to spend the bajillion dollars a seat. we went to see the second city instead, which was a great comedy show. i really should start getting to more comedy in philly.

other than that, i've been workign a lot. and my boss yelled at me yesterday for not workign enough. i told him he needs to help me more because nothing i do works. hopefully this will help me actually make progress on my project. i hope. i have a committee meeting next tuesday, which is helping me get me stuff together.

and lately everyone keeps asking me if i'm graduating soon and what i'm going to do after. to set the recond straight. I DON'T KNOW! i will probably graduate in december of 2008. maybe earlier if i'm lucky but possibly later too. and after that i don't know. its too far away to think about, and i'm goign to take a loooong vacation after. i just wish everyone would stop asking me!

2007-03-07T14:11:00.000-05:00

last night (or rather, this morning) i had an interesting dream, one of those dreams that would be perfect for analyzing my inner thoughts.
i had decided to quit grad school. for some reason, before i officially gave up, i wrote a few letters to faculty thanking them and apologizing for letting them down. later, i was at elizabeth's apartment (who coincidentally has quit the program) and she and the professor to whom i wrote were trying to convince me not to give up. that i'm doing fine, and i should just keep trying, i'll get there eventually. in the end, they convinced me, and i grudgingly agreed that after all this time, i shouldn't just give up and quit.
more than meets the eye? or simply a reflection of my current thoughts?

2007-03-06T16:33:00.000-05:00

usually, i wouldn't repeat anything my grandfather says. i love him to pieces, and we are very close, but he is ultraconservative, and can be racist at times. we get into frequent arguments about his views, and his opinion are always backed up by statements that don't allow argument, as in "when you've served in the army...", or "this is based on personal experience..." or my favorite which secretly scares the hell out of me "i was an idealist when i was your age too, talk to me when you reach 50..." the latest shouting match we've had was over him telling me i should start watching bill o'reilly, cause he's a respectable well-informed guy.

yeah, that's what i said.

but my grandpa does have a few sayings that are not terribly offensive. not many, but there are some gems in there. the one i've been identifying with most of late is "if you had the choice between lucky and smart, pick lucky every time." it seems almost counterintuitive that a statement like that would come out of his mouth, he who pushes education and tends to be quite elitist, but he is so right. of course, i wouldn't choose to be dumb as a brick, but i could really use some luck right now. i feel like i can do everything right, and things still don't turn out for the best. i suppose its the opposite of believing that everything follows some sort of plan and bad things happen for a reason, thinking that chance and luck play a larger role in day to day life. if there is a plan, fantastic, wonderful, great. but if it all comes down to luck, i think i missed that day at school.

nebulous

2007-03-04T02:41:00.000-05:00

how does this happen? hidden beneath the surface, and i can't see. why is it so elusive? some people make it look so simple, it makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide. but i smile on the outside and no one can tell.

2007-03-02T23:26:00.000-05:00

i never loved nobody fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sounds
i hear in my mind all these voices
i hear in my mind all these words
i hear in my mind all this music
and it breaks my heart...

bonus points to anyone who knows this song :) if you don't, you should listen.

today i decided to walk home from work instead of taking the subway. the trolley is super convenient, stopping only a block from my apartment, but the weather was just so beautiful. i went into the bookstore and got a latte to warm me up and set out for center city. the sky was perfectly clear, and the sun was just at that point that sends a warm golden light across the city. my ipod was on and playing some of my favorites. i just made a new mix and was reveling in the new music collection. since my cat stepped on my keyboard and erased all my playlists a while ago, i've gotten up to mix10. (i was mad at first, but who can stay mad at the little kitty?? i also had jun in my lab teach me how to say "cute little kitty" in chinese: "how ka-I duh xiao mao mi-o". this complements being able to say hi, how are you, bye, thanks, yes, I, you, she/he, my name is, shit, i love you and wonton. i'll be fluent in no time!)
but getting back to my walk home, it was so pleasant. the weather was great, 55 degrees and perfectly clear. completely put a new spin on my day.

2007-03-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

i was listening to this great song, and i thought i would share the opening lyrics. so pretty :)

"you are my sweetest downfall, i loved you first,
beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth, i have to go,
your hair was long when we first met..."

thank goodness its friday, thoguh i still have to work tomorrow. but my boss got an evening/weekend parking pass for me, so at least i don't have to take the subway. for the last two years i parked in the lot for the city morgue on the weekend, but all of a sudden they decided to start towing. because of all the dead people whose cars need spots i guess.

next week the fam and i are goign to vegas. i had hoped to extend that into a longer vacation, but plane tickets got too pricey. it turned out for the best however, becasue i think my boss might throw a shit-fit (as my mom says) if i take any more time off. but i am still goign to vegas for three days, it's gonna be hot :)

so i'm in a better mood than yesterday, which is great. yesterday sucked. but today is friday, jo and i are going out to dinner, and i have exciting plans of cleaning my apartment and flute playing for the weekend. might not seem exciting on the surface, but my place has been a mess for at least a week. the floor has been too cluttered to even use the roomba. perhaps when i'm at dinner, the roomba will be put to work. nothing says happiness like a roomba-d apartment.

2007-03-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

ah, just as i thought, i jinxed myself. after having a few weeks of renwed enjoyment of working in the lab, science comes right back and bitch slaps me across the face. all the hard work i've put in has amounted to nothing, except realizing that my methods don't work. is just not fair. i've been meticulous, taking every little step that usually i would gloss over, and it hasn't worked.

i've been only focusing on three experiemnts. for those sciency people (goldygirl, i think this is you) i've been trying cloning, in vivo labeling and in vitro dimerization. total results: no colonies, after ordering brand new primers that were supposedly designed to avoid the problems i had before ($100), new labeling agent and new protocols ($200 and hours at the computer, and hours and hours of painstakingly detailed work), and new dimerizing agent (another few hundred dollars and 4 run-throughs of a 3-day long experiment).

i feel like frodo when he complains to sam, "i can't do this anymore" in that completely dejected tone that only elijah can do well. but what the hell else am i supposed to do?

2007-02-28T15:34:00.000-05:00

i really really need to stop doing this.

i was at chop (the children's hospital) cutting through back to work, instead of walking all the way around the whole medical campus. it gets a little bit complicated navigating through there, and a cute guy in scrubs was in the elevator with me. we made small talk and he walked with me (coincidentally, he was going there too) out to the lobby so i could get to my building. he seemed to be flirting a little, asking me what i did and stuff, and of course, i was too distracted by not getting lost that i didn't ask for his number or anything. and he was cute, and tall, if a little skinny, but likely a doctor of some sort doing pediatrics. and i will likely never see him again. I AM A MORON.

2007-02-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

i'm almost afraid to post for fear of jinxing myself, but stuff at work has lately been going really well. i feel like i'm out of that mid-grad school slump. i'm actually enthused to go to work tomorrow, on a saturday. its because i've actually been getting results. my assays are actually working, instead of just giving me nothing. its fantastic, and i hope it keeps up as long as possible. pray, raindance, cross my fingers, become ocd, whatever it takes to keep this small streak alive... positive vibes heading my way are greatly appreciated as well.

i also discovered a new lotion that smells fantastic. moonlight path, from of all places, bath and body works. usually i can't even set foot in that store due to the overpowering stink of the place. my eyes began to tear up after two minutes last time i was there and i found myself scrambling for the door, pushing little teenage girls out of my way. however, my aunt buys me lotions and gels and creams from that place every year, so i am overflowing with freesia and flowers and fruit blossoms. i put my foot down at the ones that smell like food though. my bathroom should not smell like my kitchen. nor should i smell edible. back to the point, my skin was severely, painfully dry the other night, so i dipped into the reserves in my bathroom and came up with the least overpowering. i tried it out, hoping the pungency would dissipate into a pleasant scent, and lo and behold it was perfect! i was even complimented on it today! so now i smell like lavender and roses, my bed smells like lavender and roses, and my cat who sleeps on my bed when i'm not home smells like lavender and roses.

2007-02-15T01:20:00.000-05:00

anyone else who watched lost tonight, please join me in a collective WTF. where the heck are they pulling this stuff out from? i love it, but man, what are they smoking? i know they have a grand plan and everything has an explanation, but woah. and no matter how ridiculous it gets, i NEED to keep watching. at this point i've invested so much time in it, i NEED TO KNOW WHY. though i hope it doesn't end lamely like alias did. that one i think they were just making it up as they go. kind of like the matrix movies. the first one was great, but the the later ones... i can just picture the writers sitting up at 3 am high as a kite, thinking, dude, dude, what if we give him powers OUTSIDE. no seriously man. we'll just do it. it'll be awesome. it'll be, like, a whole other, like dimension man. and the other writer responds with, dude, that's so deep.

oh yeah, i went there.

2007-02-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

ah the start of a new week. and what a way to begin by a 10 hour work day. sweet man. of course, if i had gotten off my lazy butt yesterday and went to work, i could have avoided the ridiculously long day. but i think i'll stick with feeling good about myself for staying so late and doing that extra experiment.
i also may have found another person to play music with. i've been getting back into my fluting, and have been playign with a small ensemble at penn. and i jsut found a first year guy who was a double major in music and plays piano. he seems down for playing some duets. and he's my age and cute. but i am actually more interested in having him as a music buddy, surprisingly. i think my boy lust may finally be settling down a little.
in other music news, i was so inspired playing with matt the other night. i drunkenly started jamming with him, and even though i was terrible (it was my first time jamming!) i had SO MUCH FUN. so now i'm trying to play along with random music on my ipod so i can get better and play with him more. im much less selfconscious when no one can hear me!

AND my dad got my sister and me AMAZING tickets to see the police at fenway this summer. de do do do de dah dah dah, we are gon-na see the police. roxanne. (imagine me dancing around all giddy and stuff)

2007-02-10T02:22:00.000-05:00

bart and matt came over tonite, and oh my god is bart amazing at the guitar. it was like i had a little concert at my house. singing and playing songs he had written, they were awesome. my guitar had an orgasm from being played so well... it was the best she ever had.

2007-02-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

is it sad that i see pictures of the snow covered new york landscape, and i long for the crisp scent of newly fallen white powder and the cold air flushing my cheeks? feeling the bitter chill, but surrounded by beauty? ithaca how i miss you...

2007-02-04T02:06:00.000-05:00

the story behind the drunken posting, here goes.
friday night was recruiting for my department, which is basically us showing the new recruit a good time inthe city. so i was quite toasted by the time we went to the next bar. at this bar, we ran into the boy elizabeth wanted to set me up with. granted, if i had known i was going to meet him i would NOT NOT NOT have gotten so wasted. but i did. so we talked, and i ended up taking him back to my place. so i assumed he was interested, as he walked me home, and didn't excuse himself when we got to my apt. he stayed and played guitar for a while, during which i proceeded to make an ass of myself, assuming that he liked me. i just thought maybe he was really really shy. after receiving no responses from my flirtation, i finally realized that we were most certainly not on the same page.
so now i am ridiculously embarrassed and upset because i blew it with this boy. but seriously, i didn't twist his arm to come hang out! i gave him plenty of opportunities to go home with no embarrassment to either of us. but he chose to stay until 3am. and completely rebuff any romantic overtures made by yours truly. and i was the one who instigated his leaving, telling him i was tired. i don't understand men. at all. why the hell did he come over, if he didn't even want to make out or get my phone number? just to watch me make a drunken idiot of myself?
i can make the case maybe he wanted to get to know me better, maybe he didn't want to take advantage of my inebriated state, but he could have said something to that effect. he did not. he just told me not to be embarrassed and made a joke about it being awkward, which DID NOT HELP.
i probably won't see him again, and if i do, guaranteed i won't really know how to conduct myself. i feel so stupid for thinking he liked me. today was spent wallowing on my couch, realizing that i'm destined to be alone for a while again. not forever i hope, but it was silly of me to think that i could have another relationship immediately. so far my track record has been year plus gaps. so maybe by 2008 i'll have met a new guy, this fall if i'm lucky.
so now all the happy, positive thinking i had earlier in the week has completely disappeared. i've sunk into the state of a constant upset stomach, and feeling of whyyyyyyyyyyy. i don't want to go to sleep because i'll jsut think about it more and wallow in the feeling of not being attractive. and contemplate how i've only had serious relationships with jerks who walk all over me and face myself with the horrid thought that that's the best i can do.

2007-02-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

so i decided that drunk post from last night made me look like too much of a skank. note to self- no drunken blogging.

ewwwww

2007-02-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

there was an alcoholic on the subway this morning. 1030 am and she was stumbling around, slurring her words, reeked of alcohol, and kept falling asleep. it was disgusting. usually drunk people on the train during the day are homeless or crazy (usually both) but this woman was wearing jewelry, had a nice enough bag, with stuff in it (i know because she kept goign through her entire purse looking for god knows what). but to be wasted that early in the morning, and not being able to use college as an excuse! it was just really gross.

good news

2007-01-31T16:34:00.001-05:00

i think i just got a fellowship award on the NIH normal and neoplastic lymphoma training grant! xiaolu says it isn't definite yet, but as close to definite as it could be. i didn't really do anythign for it, i sent in my grad school application and my resume and he sent a letter of support about my research, but that's pretty cool i think! if it all goes through, i'll have funding for the next 2-3 years, but if it takes me 3 more years to graduate, i may have to kill myself.

2007-01-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

so irish boy left. it was time. we had a good time, but i was starting to feel a little smothered. and i just didn't feel that way about him, and i'm pretty sure he did about me. but this way we got to break up without me hurting his feelings. another lesson learned, wow-sparks are necessary or else i'll get bored.

tonight i have reservations for restaurant week. its wonderful, a 3 course meal for $30 at all the fancy pants restaurants in town. i'm going to susanna foo's chinese cuisine with elizabeth. its my favorite restuarant in the city, chinese french(?) fusion. so delicious. i took my grandparents there when they came to visit a year and a half ago.

plus, elizabeth wants to set me up with a med school friend of hers. a jewish doctor-to-be who plays guitar in a band. my family is probably fainting right now over the possibility considering i've never dated a jewish guy. but we shall see, she's made him out to be too good to be true. i'll keep you posted! i think i'm supposed to meet him saturday.

if only i had a camera that worked...

2007-01-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

then i could jump on the food-photo bandwagon. tonight i made potato-leek soup with basil, and i must say it came out great. AND i didn't use a recipe, i had looked at some and decided i didn't like any of them and went it on my own! i know that soup is not the most difficult thing to make, probably pretty difficult to mess up, but i usually need to follow a recipe for everything. my goal is to cook enough that i don't always need to follow recipes and can just make stuff up as i go. then i could go to the supermarket and simply see what strikes my fancy without having to plan ahead and make a list. i'm learning though!
friday i made pasta with broccoli and parmesan cheese in a lemon sauce, with parmesan breaded chicken cutlets. so yummy! i think i've become quite adept at the breaded chicken. the trick is butter AND oil. and medium-low heat. delish. i've tried to stay away from baking too much, as i just end up eating it all in a very short amount of time. sometimes i bring it to work, but most of the time i just eat it all myself. i made peanut butter fudge last time, and lets just say a lot of it never made it out of my kitchen.
living alone does make things tough however. for example, i gave my neighbors some of the soup i made because i will still be eating it for days. most recipes are jsut too difficult to scale down for one person. i'm hosting a dinner party soon though, i'm excited to think up a menu. last time i made chicken marsala, so this time i think i will leave my italian comfort zone and try something new. any suggestions foodies?

2007-01-24T16:17:00.000-05:00

this morning i had one of those dreams that after waking up i refused to acknowledge the morning and resolutely went back to sleep to pick up where i left off. in fact, three times i had been jerked out of my dream by my alarm clock, hit the snooze, and tried to return to dream-land.
in my dream, ben affleck was in love with me. we were at a house, in a kitchen, and he was a smitten kitten. at some point later we were walking on the side of a road, but the best parts were in the kitchen when he realized his undying love for me and how no one could be better than me. you can imagine why i didn't want to leave that scenario and go to lab. i can't quite interpret the meaning of this one. i never really had a celebrity crush on ben affleck or anything, i can't tell why he came up.
i think it might be spillover from how the irish boy is treating me. the last two weeks have been great. he really treats me better than anyone else has, including my two past serious boyfriends. in fact, he has outshone them by leaps and bounds. i feel like i'm always the highlight of his day, and he spoils me terribly. not with gifts or anything like that, but with feeling. i will miss him when he's gone.
but, this isn't to say that i love him. i think that after how that word had been thrown around so loosely in my past, i'm saving it for something special. he's a great guy, and we have great chemistry, but i know in my heart that we just don't have enough in common for a long relationship. so i suppose its a blessing in disguise that he is leaving in a week, because it would be very difficult to stop seeing him when he makes me feel like a princess all the time.

2007-01-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

sniff sniff... tear.

and someone please tell me why peyton manning has to have 6 thousand endorsement deals. the man is fucking constantly on tv.